Why I'm asking for help

I agree, and so happy you are in a relationship. I used to starve myself when I was in high school. I know it was a cry for help because I was being abused. No one seemed to notice. I just felt that by abusing myself would somehow erase the guilt I felt.
When you are young, you often feel guilty for things because your self esteem is very low, especially when my SF kept informing me how hated I was. It still haunts me now. I know better now, but it was so deeply ingrained in me even as a pre-teen. I still slip back into that thought pattern.

Hi there, I'm a little older and haven't told my boyfriend about the disorder yet, I just told my mom last year and I've been doin' this since high school as best as I can remember. I hope you find this as a good outlet, I'm trying to find a 'buddy' I can write to and keep up with often on how things are and keeping my mind of this incredulous disease......There is no support within my family so I'm on my own. My problems are eating away my pain from my childhood, I know everyone says 'nobody's life is perfect'...but that's how I dealt with issues. It's such a release for me, but i know what you mean by wasting money on food...I feel SO bad knowing it's being wasted!

Well you are half my age, so I would feel like a 'motherly buddy', but don't worry I know I'm not your mom!!! LOL. The sooner you get help tho, the better. I've been doin' this for over 20 years and it's so deep, dark, and evil w/in me, i feel like the trip out is goin' to take twice as long! Self pitty is a strong word, there are reasons why we do this. It's a coping device, I've been reading a lot about OCD and bulimia was listed, basically sayin' some people are predispositioned to acquire ocd type behaviors that we are doin' and this is what blew me away: hereditary! My mom's nervous all the time, I've never been a 'calm' person and my son couldn't still if he had to...so yea i can see where some of that statement COULD be true. I know some people can handle 'life issues' better than others,,,growing up I was strong independant, worked went to school, dated a couple guys, ya know things were goin' ok, but when I moved into my own apartment I didnt have anyone lookin' at me and it really took off from there. I think I realized that I was going to have to 'deal' with these emotions, thoughts and feelings that had been otherwise forgotten!!! It's NO fun!!! I couldn't talk to mom about some things, she always took my dad's side or basically 'forgot' that abuse issues were never addressed!...I guess getting older now I'm trying to talk with others about things I would never talk to my family about! I'll be your buddy if you'd like me to be. You can talk to me whenever you need to, about what ever you want to. I'm not here to judge or complain or tell you what to do, but i'd like to be able to have someone to talk to as well.
Tanya

So glad to find some people who want to share their feelings about being bulimic. I'm 35 and have been binging and purging periodically for over 10 years. It started after I lost over 50 lbs and was desperate to stay thinner. I gained weight but lost another chunk of weight by stopping drinking last August and now am back to binging/purging which had kinda gone away. By dealing with the drinking, I guess I had to control something. I can relate Trixter, I'm not a calm person either, very anxious and have low self esteem. I am seeing a counselor and working through this but would like buddies who really get it... and don't just tell me to stop. If I could just stop, I would have long time ago.

I too have bf and he doesn't know... it was hard enough to tell him about my past alcohol probs... so glad you have support Pandalala.. here and in life!

Yea, my self esteem is zero. My mom thinks it's just something i can snap my fingers and quit doin', 'you haven't quit that yet?'...REALLY? It's such a let down knowing your problem doesnt' fit into their life, knowing growing up half the stuff they did to you or around you probably was 90 percent responsible for what you are doin' now. It's sad....I use to drink in high school a lot. I know i'm like you, if i'm not doing one destructive behavior i'll just turn to another. Sitting still is barely impossible for me to do!! Chit chat w/ me whenever you want to!!! tgtrixter

Sorry for such a late response, I got caught up in a term paper and work.
Dtoday, thank you so much, I have no idea why that boy stays with me. I'm a complete basket case half of the time, and I get upset at things far too easily.
He's been trying to get healthier (he's got a cute little belly pooch), and I've asked him to include me in his diet. The only thing I'm worried about is the last time I went on an actual diet and stuck to it, it became a calorie-counting nightmare where the first bits of anorexia started to take hold of me. I know I can diet properly, but with the way my life is so chaotic -- I can be doing absolutely nothing one day, then the next I've been thrown into so much to do I barely have time to sleep a couple of hours. Food has always been something I can control, and I think the root of my bulimia is it feels so good to just loose control and eat whatever I wanted with no fear of gaining the weight.

Pandalala,
I'm sure your man sticks by you because you are a wonderful person. The eating disorder totally blocks that infor from us.
It sounds like you are pretty vulnerable. I know from experience that papers due and being 20 make it the chaos of bulimia a fine escape from pressure. It's not though, it's always a regret event. I know it feels good to party with the food. Sounds sick but you probably understand.
I have made the choice to stop the bulimia and it's hard, I miss the elaborate meals and the flat stomach. I don't miss my pee smelling like a nursing home, the swollen face, the money gone, the sticky every surface, the lying, the depression, etc.
I hope you are able to trade the "fun" or escape of binging for the slow building pride of being a participant in your life. I am not having pity party but I think it's been 30 years since I first purged, my twenties are so long ago and I so wish I would have stopped back then. Alas one is ready when they are ready. Recovery is always in us.
You are good by virtue of being you no matter what. I hope you choose life sooner than later, I have a feeling you are going to be just fine.
P