There's a first time for everything right?

By PhiraSoleil on Fri, 02-24-12, 20:05

Posted in Group:

Bulimia

I relapsed again on Wednesday, for the first time since December, and before that it was August. My boyfriend caught me purging and could hardly stand to look at me at first, then nearly cried, then got angry, then just held me for hours. He called my dad and asked him for advice, telling him everything, and now I feel like they're both over my shoulder all the time. I'm 21 years old. I don't need a babysitter, I don't need anyone to pity me. I just need someone to listen. I need someone who's been where I am right now. I need someone like you. I don't want to get too personal with this, since this is my first post, first time in any kind of support group, first time wanting help. I've tried to get help before, but they were half-assed attempts at best, but now I need to be better, I want to be better. Tell me anything. Tell me how you stopped, how you started. Tell me why you started, why you finally got help. Tell me anything but lies. I know it won't be an easy road, but I'm in for the long haul. So don't beat around the bush. I'm ready.

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By Dtoday on Sat, 02-25-12, 12:36

Hi Phira, you are doing a very brave thing by reaching for help, for information and in dealing with this. When you are ready, tell us more about how your relapse Wed happened, what triggered it? Have you been BP since then or just that day?

I'll tell you a bit about my situation now, and boy it is not easy but does feel like a relief. I became bulimic about 13 years ago when I was 22 or so. I lost a lot of weight and then became petrified about gaining the weight back.. I also am an alcoholic and I first began throwing up booze when i drank too much, just to sober up. That changed to food somehow and then came actual hard core binging. I used to drive around buying tons of food such as chocolate, donuts, fast food; anything I liked but didn't feel healthy to eat (really digest). I remember driving and eating sometimes food off of my passenger seat. Then I would eat at home locked in my room for hours and throwing up in a bowl because I didn't want my family to see (we only had 1 bathroom). But they had to have seen, and then I had to pour out those full bowls quickly and sneakily... oh god, when I think of trying to be stealthy, carrying a stinking bowl to dump into bathroom and almost getting caught. The shame of it still hurts. I did manage to stop for a few years but in the last year or so the same pattern started. I stopped drinking in August 2011 but then starting BP all over again when I lost weight. Now I am purging at work when I eat just a muffin, or even cereal... I fantasize about what food I will buy after work and thats all I do at night, a couple times. In this past week, I have managed a couple days of not BP and feel so much better about things. It is always easier once you get a few days in but those first hours, days, my brain just goes on overload saying; just one last time; go get that food you want... just one last time. I think I'm rambling but hope this helps you, it does help me... good luck to you, and I am glad to hear you got support from your boyfriend and I hope from your family as well.

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