Saturday in the Park

By beginagainandagain on Sat, 02-25-12, 10:39

Posted in Group:

I guess everyday for me is in a park. I am lucky enough to live in a beautiful mountain community, a tourist destination for millions of people a year. The good and the not so great of living here comes to light often. The good; beauty, walking to the post office like yesteryear, friends, clean air, innocent kids and quiet nights. The not so good, isolation, small dating pool, distance from services, lack of recovery support, and that is about it. Overall I love it.
Today I am a bit embarrassed by my behavior last night. I went to an art auction and just "poo pooed' the art, the crowd, the set up. I was a bitch on the inside. I left early and came home and binged. I had every intention of purging. I was bitter and feeling sorry for myself.
This recovery is hard and I would rather stay in my bulimia bubble, where I can keep up a fun face, then go home and binge and purge for hours, wake up hung over from food but still think.
What happened last night was I felt angry I had to go through the period of feeling again, digesting what I ate, and facing what I had been hiding from. It was getting real.
Still I am going to do it again today, hopefully not the overeating and pity party, but the not purging part. This is my journey right now and it might not be pretty. I have this theory that I call the friction of creativity. I believe that to birth something beautiful you have to sometimes have to go through ugliness or pain. I want to create the beautiful life I know I can have. I love myself enough to walk through the ugly.
Thank you for being out there. May you all know you are worth being uncomfortable in order to get to the fruit!
P

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By kitcat1 on Sat, 02-25-12, 11:11

I hope you are seeing a specialist and therapy each week about your eating. Please get healthy for you. You deserve to be your best and have the best.

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By beginagainandagain on Sat, 02-25-12, 12:01

Thanks for your response. Despite the struggle and uncomfortable mood of my post, I am delighted to be where I am. I have let go of purging and am slowly getting the message to my ED voice that I will no longer be doing it's bidding. Alas I may have to endure a binge or five during this adjustment period.
To anyone who is afraid to let go of the purging, it's worth it. In dollars alone, but more in confidence. We can have what I call the birthday gifts we were all born with. The right to feel like we belong and we deserve kindness.
P

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By kitcat1 on Mon, 02-27-12, 14:22

We all have the right to feel good about ourselves no matter what. Thanks for sharing.

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