Newly single again

Dtoday,
Well your post really touched me. I wonder how many of "us" are out there. Great ladies who have burned through our twenties and thirties having boyfriends and hookups in lieu of putting down roots. I don't think it's a bad thing to be single, but I think you were talking about keeping people at a distance because the real mate has been the alcohol or bulimia.
I am 43 and have always loved long distant boyfriends. I have never felt mature enough to be married, and kids? I was so sick and immature, I never felt my biological clock ticking. Alas regret is wasteful, and I've already been too wasteful.
I have no answer just understanding. Currently I am in a very unhealthy five year relationship, it works best when my man is 8,000 miles away. I have a fantasy of being single again, just to feel balanced. Still I have been unsuccessful at ending this.
With my new recovery I hope to lovingly let go. This man is good, just not for me.
I actually am envious that you have ended a relationship you knew was not for you. Sometimes I seriously believe our eating disorders protect us from bad relationships.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty and life isnt done wiyh you yet.

Thanks so much for sharing about yourself Begin, you have no idea how much that understanding means to me or how much I relate. I do feel like I burned through my twenties and now into my thirties without laying any proper foundations. I never felt mature enough to really settle down, I was too distracted by other things! My "lovers", my cherished ED, AL, even drugs for a year in my 20's and gambling as well. Its funny, most people think I am in a good place but it is a shell; inside I am all about me and dealing with my own pain. It is a good facade, but facade all the same.

I would actually love a long distance relationship as even when not indulging in bad behaviors I still like my independence, but then I could still share something with someone. That is a big thing to admit someone is not right for you, those were brave words! I wish you well as you find your own place in the world. You deserve a healthy life and relationship, and nothing wrong with LD if that works (especially considering your locale, its remote you said?)

You are right about being single too, nothing wrong with it, it gives us a chance for the right guy to come around when we are ready!

D & B
Girls I just love reading your post. I do not have a eating disorder, how my issues are alot the same, not just smoking but my PTSD, I am 38 and am not in a relationship due to me having men issues from my attack. I do have a special friend that I am totally comfortable with. But I feel bad cause sometimes i treat him like complete poopie.
So where I am going with this is that I put it in Jesus hands, If you dont find the right man, or have any doubts about the relationship then you should not be in it, remember he has a path for us, mines is working with young men to teach them. I look at is as teaching them how to respect and encourage women. My payoff will be when these kids get older and are in healthy relationships.

Again I am very proud of the both of yas

hugs

I can't tell you how may times I've thought of breaking up with my boyfriend because of my eating disorder. The thing is I love him and I want to be with him. Is it pathetic that I want my ED more than that? He's been really great support, but sometimes I can feel his judgemental eyes on me whenever I go to the bathroom after we eat. I think that there is love out there for us, but we need to love ourselves first before we can ever truely love someone else. I feel cheap because he loves me so much and I can't give him everything I have because most of my energy is given to my ED. It's like I'm selling him short or something, I don't know.. But I do feel that you will find love, you just need to love you before you love anyone else.

Thanks for your response R, so glad to hear that you have the love and support in your life. It gives me hope for the future, you're right that I need to love me before anyone else.

I understand about devoting so much energy to the ED, feels like we have so little less for everyone else! Keep loving, it all comes back and you deserve it. We all do

Dtoday:
You need to love yourself before loving somebody else, you need to feel good and secure about yourself, you deserve it before anybody else! :)

I was on the same boat, and I was so scared of telling my husband what was going on, but he has been a great support for me.

You shouldn't let ED control your life, I hope everything works fine for you! :)

-J