I feel as though I'm going in circles.

I have also been there--and sometimes I think I still feel like I may be waffling. I always convinced myself that I wanted recovery 100% as I entered treatment, but the harder things got, the less my commitment level became. I always seemed to want to recover, however I never wanted it enough to do all the necessary work.

Eventually, I had to learn that my ED mind was, and is never accurate. Even if we think we are committed 100%, ED will fight back and say, "oh, well 85% is ok for now. You can recover fully later". I don't know--maybe I am just rambling. Needless to say, all of this is to say you are not alone in your feelings. Recovery is a process, and sometimes that means running in circles. If treatment seems like your best option right now, I would consider it for sure. I am supporting you fully right now whatever your decision is :D

Thank you both, Abrum for your experience and Pink for your honesty. Oh shoot I never feel a hundred percent ready to stop binging and purging. I think I was waiting for the willingness to be like a voice from heaven. I accept that I can't "believe everything I think".
I am sorry you are so frustrated, it's not your fault and you are not weak or bad, just stuck under that boulder of bulimia. It can be rolled off you though. If I with all my freedom and money to spend on food, with all the time alone can let go of this you can too. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
I don't give advise, but one choice might be to post here that you will not binge for two hours when you want to. Even if you purge after you can start having little successes, then you stretch it out to one day etc....
Again no advise, love and understanding.
Forgive yourself.

Also remember that your ED is tricking you into believing that it will make u feel better, like an alcoholic with a drink. It feels better short term, but after that high leaves, ur left with the shame and guilt of it all. I'm still trying to figure out how much of me seriously wants to be better and recovered. And of course the ED part of me says why? U feel better this way, it's easier this way. But I try and remember the me before the ED, how would she feel about me giving into it. Stay strong, u can do it.

Ray of Hope

Thanks for all of your comments on this. I feel so lost at times. I guess I try to feel as though things are not as bad as they are or could be worse. I think I do need to start giving myself credit for the "little victories" that I do accomplish. I did an assessment for iop treatment today and they actually suggested residential or day treatment and I was not for that. I think I just need to put in more effort myself in outpatient and hope for the best I guess.