Day 3 and getting harder

By Ray of hope on Thu, 02-23-12, 22:01

Posted in Group:

Bulimia

I thought when I started this process, it would get easier and instead it's getting harder. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I almost gave in today, i was so anxious and felt so weighed down. All I wanted was that light feeling u get after a purge. But I went to the gym instead. I'm proud that i didn't purge but I almost feel worse knowing I am constantly seconds away from giving up and giving in. It makes me feel weak and inferior. I thought I would feel stronger and I'm more frustrated then ever. It's like running in circles, you run and run and don't get anywhere. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and full recovery seems so far away. On top of everything , no one in my life knows what's going on. I have zero support outside of myself and writing in here. What do u do when u can't let anybody know? When your so ashamed of who you've become that u basically lie and hide a complete part of yourself. Maybe I'm not even making sense, I don't know.

Ray of Hope

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By beginagainandagain on Thu, 02-23-12, 22:56

Oh Ray,
You are right where you need to be. I feel like I could of wrote your post. I feel all those things. In the past my friends were so supportive, and they probably would be this time around. I've chosen not to reach out while trying to let go of bulimia or while suffering all those months mainly out of shame. I didn't want to make a big deal about coming out again only to fall again. Not the healthiest of strategies, but I did/do post honestly here , and it's working!
Maybe we don't have to scream I am bulimic from the mountain top, for today it's working for me to make a daily commitment here and journal a lot. I love not purging, don't you.
We gotta let go of the weight for a while, that too is easier than we think. F.... this disorder, it's taken too much.
You always have eyes and understanding here. Please don't give up. It's hard hard hard, but don't you get an authentic high from not purging. I am uncomfortable right now from food, but I feel like if I gave in I would eventually have to go through this same adjustment period down the road. It's natural to be uncomfortable in our skin right now!
You are going to be fine.

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By Ray of hope on Thu, 02-23-12, 23:17

Thanks. I'm just at the point where enough is enough, I hate that this stupid disorder consumes my every thought even when I'm not purging you know? I just wish I could feel normal again, not that I really even remember what that feels like at this point lol. Thanks again for all your support, you always have something wise to say to keep me going. Much love and support to you and your recovery!

Ray of Hope

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